The side effects of cancer…

When I started this blog, I thought about a name that would convey my day to day life. Marriage, kids, and just my day to day speed of 90 mph to nothing and stopping at nothing to slow down. I wanted a way to acknowledge through words that I was happy, I am married, and that despite those two, life can be overwhelming. That despite happiness, a great spouse, kids, a house, a good job, that life can still be a LOT for us to deal with. When I wrote it, I never thought that one day, my overwhelmed would be cancer. I never thought about the definition of that word and the importance that one day it would mean to this blog. Through the time here, it has seen lots of fun posts, but it has seen lots of serious ones, too. Parenting, marriage, jobs, sad events, good events, diets (YUCK), medical issues, and more. I’ve got more drafts in my folders than I know what to do with and sometimes, my inner filter kicks in and says, “Nope, don’t post that one.”

Then, I have those days where Jesus pokes at me and says, “Yep, post that one today.” THOSE are the days I really dislike posting and I LOVE to argue with Him. Today, I guess, is one of those days.

Cancer: It’s like getting a new car…

No matter if you’ve got the “good kind” or the “really invasive kind.” Cancer is deadly. There’s no preparing you to lose a family member from cancer whether you’ve had time to prepare or not. Having a child diagnosed with a tumor or cancer sucks major kinds of stupid and there’s zero preparation you go through as a parent to be ready to bury your child or watch them die a slow death, painful or not. Cancer destroys you.

Kelp Forests and God’s plans

My heart has been in being “busy.” How having little time to “think” has kept me from focusing on the fact that my cancer is very real and that there are some really deep-rooted fears there. So in an effort to mask all my feelings of worthlessness, I have made myself so busy that I give myself no time to think about these things and don’t have to deal with the thoughts.

Rejected by Jesus: Fact or Fiction?

What is evident more than ever right now is that I am supposed to be telling a story. I have been wrestling with God over the last year of my life with this massive feeling of rejection. And not far behind that feeling has been the enemy, nipping at my heels. I have questioned my entire life. I have questioned my salvation.

Choosing Life – One Year Later

Life is what we make it. A year ago, I didn’t think I’d be here. A year ago, I had written wills. I had the conversations about sex, marriage, periods, boys, girls, and my husband remarrying. We had talks about how to handle life insurance. Power of attorney. We were ready. God wasn’t. Praise His Mercy!

Functional vs. Conventional Medicine

Right now, I take a LOT of stuff. Pills, powders, liquid extracts. I take things often every 3-4 hours depending on dosage or if I can mix it with something else I’m taking of whether it’s supposed to be taken with meals or without. It’s incredibly complicated. Enter, functional medicine.

Gods Plan vs. My Plan

I got denied twice. Hard denials from insurance. Due to “experimental medicine.” My doctor said that was to be expected. Even after her appeal, I got another denial. So the 3rd time, we filled out patient assistance knowing I would have to pay retail cost. ($31K/month) That got denied for some errors in paperwork – and it was at that point, I really just stopped and prayed.

Bitter Seasons

I’ve been reading a lot about oligodendroglioma, regrowth, medical advances, and survival statistics. I went through my medical bills today to look at what they did in that operating room (which is fascinating). What I remembered as I was going through this was how stressed out I was before I went back and how absolutely grateful to God I was alive once I woke up. I remember once I opened my eyes (or once I was coherent enough to remember) praising God for the miracle of waking up. I look back every now and then on pictures and realize how hard it was and how far I’ve come in 7 weeks.

The broken pieces cancer leaves behind

Trials come in life. Trials come in all shapes and sizes. If you’re in that spot where your spouse (or a friend or family member) is dealing with tough things, sickness, etc., talk about it. It’s okay to cry, yell, and ask questions like I did that suck and are hard and nasty to admit. Honor that time with yourself and with your relationships.

The next chapter

Last week, we received the news that we were expecting. The tumor in my brain was confirmed as Grade 2 cancer, Specifically an oligodendroglioma.