Last week, we received the news that we were expecting. The tumor in my brain was confirmed as Grade 2 cancer, Specifically an oligodendroglioma.
Fear is real, but God is a lion
For me, brain surgery is scary. There is real fear in this. All of my joking aside, there’s a real part of me that is actually terrified. I know God has this, yes. I know God has a plan, yes. However, that doesn’t stop my human emotions from standing on the sideline yelling, “Hey! We’re over here!”
It kind of reminded me current day and how we as humans (not just Americans) are really turning a blind eye to so much. Where are we when our neighbor needs help? We are so quick to call out each others shortcomings or lay blame, but no one is helping. Even as Christians, we say “I’ll pray for you,” but it’s become such a quick comeback to make ourselves look mightier than thou. And shame on us, for that.
Seeds of Doubt
Today has been a messy, doubt-filled day. I feel like giving up. I feel tired. I’m weary and I’m emotional. I am worn out and I am struggling to see God’s plan or understand the goodness this cancer can bring. I am overwhelmed.
I know these are thoughts sown by the devil himself and in that, I reject these thoughts. But it doesn’t stop my flesh from experiencing them. It also doesn’t make it any easier.
Sunday, I had my first seizure. I’m still unsure if it was a seizure though the doctor says yes, but the symptoms point towards that. What I experienced that night felt a lot like a night terror/sleep paralysis, too. What I do know is that in the middle of the night, my heart rate shot up and I felt completely paralyzed.