Last week, we received the news that we were expecting. The tumor in my brain was confirmed as Grade 2 cancer, Specifically an oligodendroglioma.
Fear is real, but God is a lion
For me, brain surgery is scary. There is real fear in this. All of my joking aside, there’s a real part of me that is actually terrified. I know God has this, yes. I know God has a plan, yes. However, that doesn’t stop my human emotions from standing on the sideline yelling, “Hey! We’re over here!”
Seeds of Doubt
Today has been a messy, doubt-filled day. I feel like giving up. I feel tired. I’m weary and I’m emotional. I am worn out and I am struggling to see God’s plan or understand the goodness this cancer can bring. I am overwhelmed.
I know these are thoughts sown by the devil himself and in that, I reject these thoughts. But it doesn’t stop my flesh from experiencing them. It also doesn’t make it any easier.
Sunday, I had my first seizure. I’m still unsure if it was a seizure though the doctor says yes, but the symptoms point towards that. What I experienced that night felt a lot like a night terror/sleep paralysis, too. What I do know is that in the middle of the night, my heart rate shot up and I felt completely paralyzed.