You will be weak, hungry, and wounded – and you will be eaten alive by feral animals infected with rabies. You will be ridiculed, you will be mistreated, you will be yelled at and told you are unloved and hated. You will be mocked, you will be disregarded. You will be disrespected and laughed at. You will be hurt. You will cry. You will never be thanked. You will be told you’re not doing it right, you’re stupid,
Life is what we make it. A year ago, I didn’t think I’d be here. A year ago, I had written wills. I had the conversations about sex, marriage, periods, boys, girls, and my husband remarrying. We had talks about how to handle life insurance. Power of attorney. We were ready. God wasn’t. Praise His Mercy!
I got denied twice. Hard denials from insurance. Due to “experimental medicine.” My doctor said that was to be expected. Even after her appeal, I got another denial. So the 3rd time, we filled out patient assistance knowing I would have to pay retail cost. ($31K/month) That got denied for some errors in paperwork – and it was at that point, I really just stopped and prayed.
I’ve been reading a lot about oligodendroglioma, regrowth, medical advances, and survival statistics. I went through my medical bills today to look at what they did in that operating room (which is fascinating). What I remembered as I was going through this was how stressed out I was before I went back and how absolutely grateful to God I was alive once I woke up. I remember once I opened my eyes (or once I was coherent enough to remember) praising God for the miracle of waking up. I look back every now and then on pictures and realize how hard it was and how far I’ve come in 7 weeks.
Trials come in life. Trials come in all shapes and sizes. If you’re in that spot where your spouse (or a friend or family member) is dealing with tough things, sickness, etc., talk about it. It’s okay to cry, yell, and ask questions like I did that suck and are hard and nasty to admit. Honor that time with yourself and with your relationships.
Last week, we received the news that we were expecting. The tumor in my brain was confirmed as Grade 2 cancer, Specifically an oligodendroglioma.
Here’s a list of all of my favorite songs right now, carrying me through!
For me, brain surgery is scary. There is real fear in this. All of my joking aside, there’s a real part of me that is actually terrified. I know God has this, yes. I know God has a plan, yes. However, that doesn’t stop my human emotions from standing on the sideline yelling, “Hey! We’re over here!”
It kind of reminded me current day and how we as humans (not just Americans) are really turning a blind eye to so much. Where are we when our neighbor needs help? We are so quick to call out each others shortcomings or lay blame, but no one is helping. Even as Christians, we say “I’ll pray for you,” but it’s become such a quick comeback to make ourselves look mightier than thou. And shame on us, for that.
Today has been a messy, doubt-filled day. I feel like giving up. I feel tired. I’m weary and I’m emotional. I am worn out and I am struggling to see God’s plan or understand the goodness this cancer can bring. I am overwhelmed.
I know these are thoughts sown by the devil himself and in that, I reject these thoughts. But it doesn’t stop my flesh from experiencing them. It also doesn’t make it any easier.
Putting into words what life really hands you. My experience's and the positive side.
The world view from my perch
Weightloss, Health, fitness and mindfulness.
Daily Thoughts and Meditations as we journey together with our Lord.
