Media Disclaimer: The views in this post and on this page are mine, and mine alone. These views are my opinions and do not reflect the views and standpoints of any place where I am employed or volunteer.

Let me start this post by acknowledging that I have struggled for a few days to know what to write, if to write, how to write, when to write, and so on. I am in a state of fear to say anything because words matter so much that we can lose friends, family, and even our jobs. I’ve looked at this post over and over. I’ve cried. I’ve begged God for protection and I feel so strongly that I need to just write it all down and TRUST.

When I come back years later, I want to remember this moment. Because this moment isn’t 9/11. This moment isn’t just another story on Dog the Bounty Hunter, Cops, or The First 48. This moment is about the assassination of Charlie Kirk – the literal Turning Point in our country.

I think we need to lay some ground rules before we go any further regarding this post.

• I don’t care what nationality or skin color you are. We are all made in the image of God.
• I don’t care what country you hail from. We are all given a final resting place – not on this earth.
• I don’t care what your sexual orientation is or your identity.
• I don’t care if you’re Republican, Democrat, or the purple people eater party here in the states.
• I don’t care if you’re Christian, agnostic, atheist, muslim, jewish, hindu, buddhist, or any other established/non-established religion.

What I do care about is that you know I LOVE others and that EVERYONE deserves a voice regardless of who you are. You are created by God – whether you have chosen to accept God as real or not is a decision you make, not me. I am willing to tell you why I believe in God’s reality and show you what He has done in my life and how I can prove His existence.

What I do want to focus on is our humanity. Because I think to understand the feelings in this, we need to recognize the very basic notion that we are human, first, before we acknowledge anything else.

Where am I? Well, if you haven’t been here before:

I am a Christian. I am an American, mother of 2, wife to an amazing husband, dog mom of 7, owner of a farm, and employee at a pretty amazing company doing work I genuinely love. I have brain cancer. I’m old as can be most days and I struggle to understand menopause and the value this brings. I am married to a pretty awesome guy, though, I am pretty sure that I screw up my marriage more days than I honor him. I love my children and I am their biggest fan. I will actually fight you and turn into a lion if you hurt my children. Yet, I know without a shadow of a doubt, I make SO many mistakes with them and I ask God DAILY if He can repair what I have messed up. I am scared of dying from cancer. I am scared of my husband dying. I am terrified of my kids leaving my home when they graduate.

Please, before you go any further: let’s agree this isn’t a way to automatically put me into some group and assume you know me. I have a real passion for loving people. Despite my shortcomings, I genuinely care about others and I want to see the best. I believe that God made us who we are with purpose, intent, and a plan. I also believe God made us to love one another – as Christ loved us. I believe God calls us to forgiveness – or He will withhold forgiveness from us. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Now that you know me, that may help with the next part…

I love crime TV. I love everything about it and I am fascinated by all things crime related. I’m not sure why. When I was a kid, I thought being a lawyer would be cool, but we were broke, so I quickly changed that plan. Thank goodness because that’s a LOT of school debt! Then when I went to college, I got the chance to go to a prison and interview some folks for a English project about why they did what they did and I really learned that remorse was an interesting thing. (Sometimes, it just did not exist.) That led me to want to do forensic psychology. That didn’t pan out either. So I moved into retail. Then, I met my husband a few years later and moved into technology. I haven’t looked back. All that to say, crime stuff has always stuck with me. And for the most part, aside from things that involve children, I am pretty immune (desensitized) to all things crime related and can watch quite a bit.

There have been some crazy things in the news over the past few years and I’ve often questioned, “Is this as bad as it gets?” I’ve wondered how bad it’s going to get because God told us it would. (2 Timothy 3). I’ve wondered if I’ve misunderstood things in the Bible. I’ve wondered if we’ll be raptured (from) before the Anti-Christ comes or after he comes and before it gets bad. I’ve wondered if we’re living in a time when a baby version of the devil is growing up somewhere overseas.

Then, this past week happened. First, the brutality of a Ukrainian refugee, Iryna Zarutska. Charlie Kirk talked about it on his podcast. I didn’t know he talked about it until after his assassination. Then, a couple of days later, Charlie was debating again in Utah and was assassinated in front of thousands of people – and millions of people worldwide when the internet took the video and it spread around the globe. In an instant, Charlie became a martyr (is that the right use of this word?). People prayed. Christians cried. Some people celebrated. But one thing is consistent: we all saw it, heard about it, and felt it.

Some people said he was murdered for his political conversations. Christians around the world will tell you he died for his faith. Whatever the reason the person responsible felt the need to do this, we may never know. If we listen to the media, they say it’s politics. If we listen to the church, they say it’s because of his faith. No one is going to agree on the reason. What we can agree on (I hope) is that this was wrong. We can agree that no one should ever be assassinated for their beliefs – or for simply having a conversation. This country is built on free speech and while you may not have liked how Charlie debated, we can all agree that he was very good at it.

Have you ever gotten into an argument where you are so flustered you just can’t think of the words? You either shut down, shout louder, or try to pretend you listening but inside, you’re reeling? But when you’re flustered that you aren’t being heard or you feel like you’re suddenly wrong on something you’ve believed, it can be aggravating. I know my kids feel like that sometimes when I’m so adamant about something and I just put my foot down and won’t let them talk. I can see it in their faces and I can hear it when their voices crack. Part of me is “stand your ground” mama bear – and the other part of me is “fight more so they learn to fight back”.

People have been wrongly (my opinion) posting celebrations of him dying saying he deserved it. People have spoken out on their social media accounts saying Charlie deserved it. And my heart broke. My heart broke because as a nation, as a human race, is this what we’ve come to? Cain murdered Abel and lied to God. Jacob’s brothers tried to murder him and sold him off into slavery. Daniel came up against death I don’t even know how many times. Job’s family was all murdered by Satan. For years and years, we have murdered each other. Godlessness. Lawlessness. Over stupid things: money, drugs, someone we liked/loved, clothes, a straight up disagreement. We have watched things happen on TV, on the internet, in trains, or even in person and we’ve done nothing. We’ve felt nothing (it appears, anyway). Are we so lost that we are incapable of trying to help one another? Have we lost our souls so much that we can’t remember who created us? Have we forgotten that 2,000 years ago, Jesus undeniably walked the Earth and stretched out His arms knowing this was the stuff He was going to be crucified for? That He gave His life because His Father knew that in 2025, this would happen? He knew Charlie would be born. He knew Charlie’s path. He knew Charlie’s death. He knew the days, the weeks, and the months that are coming. He walked this before us. And He loved us enough to stretch out His arms and say, “I freely give my life.” (John 10:18)

I tried to think about what I would do if I was there. My response differs if I am alone vs. if I had my family there. I have a fight of flight response that changes when my children are with me. My priority is to get them to safety. But everything in me says to fight. Never to cheer. Never to celebrate. Never to open my phone and record. My reaction is to 1) run to safety and then 2) once my children are safe, fight back to save those around me. But, what happens at zero? When you hear the first threat? My instinct is to cry out to God for help. In that moment, knowing who Charlie was, that courtyard was filled with different religions or lack thereof. In that moment, I choose to believe that regardless of the life-saving efforts, God took Charlie right then. I cannot believe this was a coordinated effort. Maybe it is. Man disappoints me sometimes. What I do choose to believe is that the enemy has possessed people (Matthew 17:15-19) to do his evil. That the devil wants to hurt God so bad that he doesn’t even care about our souls. He just wants to hurt God. He wants to take our gaze off Him long enough to stick his finger in God’s face and laugh and say, “Ha, did you see that?”

We often forget, nothing on this Earth happens without God’s knowing. Remember Job? Satan had to stand in front of the Lord and basically challenge God. God gave him permission to do anything he wanted – except kill him. (Job 1:1-12) (1 Peter 5:8)

And perhaps the most telling of all – when Jesus Himself had a conversation with Satan and had to pray to God for His disciples (Luke 22:31-32).  “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you,Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

Regardless of what is happening in this world, there is a shift happening. This past Sunday, churches experienced the most attendance since Easter. Charlie isn’t God. Charlie isn’t a disciple. Charlie wasn’t perfect. He made mistakes. Some of his arguments, I disagreed with – some I just disagreed with his delivery method. His “slogan” “Prove me wrong” was a challenge to so many in this day and age who want to dig our heels in and be right. Whether you just listened on the sidelines or met him in person, I think we can agree that Charlie was good at debate. But, Charlie was more. Charlie was a daddy. Charlie was a son. Charlie was a husband. He was a friend. He was a an active member of the church. Charlie was a prince to a Kingdom he walked into last week. He got to meet Jesus, face to face. Charlie loved Jesus. As a Christian, these were my favorite debates. Politics can get so messy. Charlie loved America. He loved America so much that he was willing to fight for it. But – as any person arguing politics, it’s hard to know what’s truth and what’s not. And that’s what Charlie wanted to get out there. He wanted to correct the wrong information. And sometimes, Charlie made mistakes and sometimes Charlie lost those debates. There were even a few times, I thought Charlie could have been better and taken the high road. Sometimes, the last word didn’t need to be said. Sometimes, the emotions didn’t need to run so high. But, just like me, Charlie was human. And humans make mistakes. We have emotions. And just as Charlie was human, Jesus got angry, too. He flipped tables, He shouted. He got annoyed with His disciples. (Matthew 21:12-13) (Matthew 17:17) (Mark 14:32-42) Anger, annoyance, frustration – are human emotions. Jesus was fully God, fully man. He experienced all of these emotions. Just as Charlie did. Just because they are human emotions does not make them right – or wrong. It just makes them emotions. But…the difference between Charlie and the person responsible for that bullet is that Charlie talked. He opened a dialogue. He allowed our Constitution in this country to be honored by giving people a mic and allowing them to talk. Some folks learned things. Sometimes Charlie learned things. But, it was a conversation. Have we gotten so lost that we have forgotten what it means to communicate? That when we are angry or sad or frustrated that we lash out at people, whether physically or behind a keyboard and say nasty things on social media? (PS: It’s all public you guys. Once it’s on the internet, it’s there forever.)

Regardless of how you choose to see his death, I want you to know this girl has a prayer list. This mama is taking names. I would LOVE to pray for you. Drop me a note and let me know how I can pray for you. I’ll put your name in my Bible and I’ll send you a verse I’m praying over as well. I’m going to fill this wall with sticky notes of names and prayer requests. Will you let me pray for you, too?

My heart hurts so much. I’ve never felt this much grief over someone I didn’t know. I can’t place the grief, I can’t understand it. I can’t figure out how to get it to go away. I can’t figure out how to stop the tears and I don’t even know why I’m crying. My soul is broken. My soul is broken for the family he left behind, but my heart rejoices at his new home. Charlie understood (just as the disciples did) that there’s a risk you take when you speak up. There’s a risk you take when you challenge the leadership. Charlie took on the government. Charlie took on the institutions. Charlie took on the devil and his crew. He openly talked politics. He openly talked about God. Charlie took on a platform that was big and organized. Charlie may have lost his final debate in person, but Charlie didn’t lose his life without purpose. Charlie loved Jesus. Charlie was saved. Charlie went home. Charlie is with Jesus. After all, you can’t kill a Christian. You can only change their address.

***Updated Mission Work***

Our son is going on a mission trip to carry the word of Jesus to Costa Rica in March. We would love your support to get him there and we would greatly love your prayers. If you are able to donate to help fund this trip, we are raising money for him to go on this trip.  Please consider donating on this link: https://www.freefunder.com/campaign/send-silas-to-costa-rica