Seriously, I think this is what I tell God tells me.  Often.

I think there are times that I close maybe not my ears, but I close off my heart so that I can’t hear what He’s telling me.

But y’all, God is faithful.  He is persistent.  He is good.  And He keeps His promises to pursue me because He loves me.

Over the last couple of weeks and even more intensely, the last couple of days, I have heard God loud and clear.  Sometimes, I want to remind God that I am not equipped to do work for Him.  I am not qualified.  I love to tell God often, ‘But I’m a baby Christian.’  Truth is, I think I use this as an excuse to not heavily pursue Him and His Word.  But, let me take a few steps back and tell you the experiences I’ve had.

A couple of weeks ago, we lost a dog.  Not passed away, but she literally walked out the door and we haven’t yet found her.  She was our second dog.  And to be honest, one of the sweetest ones we had.  She was super sweet and we loved her.  Her walking out of the door highlights a few problems.

• She’s blind
• She has cancer
• She has few teeth
• She can’t defend herself

I have put the responsibility to taking care of the dogs at night on our niece.  Now, first, I realize the problem with this.  I should have also checked.  We did not do a check that night and I didn’t notice that she was missing until that next morning.  Far too much time had passed at this point for her to be out all night.  Losing Pene has been hard for me.  It’s been a reminder of how I have given someone a task and not followed up.  It’s been a reminder that I have ‘delegated’ a responsibility and in some ways, I looked to delegate blame, too.  I spent the next two days furiously searching.  Begging neighbors.  Trespassing on other’s properties to look for her.  Frantically calling day and night for her – and yet nothing.  Looking for traces of blood, fur, bones, anything.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  It was as if she had been taken into another home – or raptured.  I could find no other reason that was logical, unless she fell into the creek or was pulled into a den and eaten by a wild animal.

All that to say, as I was looking for our dog, I heard God loud and clear.  ‘You pursue a dog much more than you pursue a relationship with Me.’

Y’all.

Ouch.

I have really been reconciled with the Lord recently.  I have some amazing friends who poured into us when Silas was little who are now in Africa and have recently built an orphanage.  I even struggle with this and think about what God is doing there.  Just the other day, my daughter told us she was hungry.  She’s going through a growth spurt right now and I realized as I stopped to get her some Chick-fil-a for a ‘second breakfast’ that the children there are literally living on the streets, some sniffing glue just to avoid hunger.  A wave of emotions hit me all at once.  How would Elysha and Silas survive if Richard and I passed away?  Could they survive on the streets?  How would they eat?  Who would feed them?  Who would provide them a warm bed?  Who would wash them?  Who would buy them new shoes when theirs were worn?  Then the realization that I live in a free country and have God providing for me hit me.  I can go to Chick-fil-a when my daughter is hungry.  I can provide her 6 meals a day, if she wants it.  I can buy her new laces when her shoelaces break.  She gets a bath, sometimes twice a day.  She has lots of medicine to keep her from being sick.  I have good insurance.  We have good doctors.  She has a loving daycare.  My son is in private school.  He learns about God daily.  He can pray freely in school.  We are in a country where Christianity is accepted and we can go to church on Sundays.  I can go home in the evenings and sit freely on my porch and kick my feet up and look at the sky and realize there’s a God out there that loves me.  Truly loves me.  I can talk about God at work and not be hung.  

Do  you realize the freedom we have?

Verse after verse The Lord has spoken to me in 1 Samuel.  I am thankful for the lessons He is showing me from the First5 readings.  Idolatry.  Jealousy.  Inconsistency.  Being transparent.  Being truthful.  Knowing that sometimes, we have to take that first step blindly and that The Lord will follow through.  But, also knowing that The Lord controls the darkness and if we continue to pursue our sinful ways, He will give us to our sins.  (1 Samuel 18:10).

The Lord knows my heart.  So much that I hear His voice in my day to day actions right now.  For example, the storms the other day.  I am so scared of storms.  So scared of losing my home and the children God has entrusted me with that I pray time and time again to surround me with peace and to move the storm around me.  And this was the Doppler radar the other day.  (The red dot is us.)  Tell me that isn’t God, y’all.  

I’ve sat on this post for a few days.  Trying to find the words.  The time.  The right pictures.  I’ve been reading my Bible and have picked up journaling some too.  I love that picking a page encourages me to read a chapter a day and that I can easily decipher a message that the Lord is giving me for that day.  It’s a beautiful lesson.  God’s voice is amazingly clear right now.

What I struggle with is learning to walk.  Getting off milk and learning to stand up and eat like the big kids.

Pray that The Lord continues to show me His plan.  Pray that I continue to remain close and study His word.  It is changing me to give Him this time every day.