When I was a kid, I loved to write. I have always loved to write. I’ve loved it as an adult, too. It’s been a way to escape. Funny enough though, I hate reading.

Technically, I hate reading fiction. I don’t like reading things that don’t teach me something or things that don’t actively feel like they are filling a gap in my life. I love reading things about history, specifically biblical history mostly. I love seeing the timelines that have occurred over the years and reading about the prophetic things that are still to come. I like seeing how things that have happened in the past, can still occur today and how history can truly repeat itself.

I love to write. I love to write things that help to encourage others and I love to write to tell a story of how my life can be used as a tool to reach others and remind them that Jesus isn’t far away. My whole blog here has been one small life event after another – up until recently, when I was diagnosed with cancer. I started really questioning what was happening in my life and trying to figure out all the answers and in reality, I didn’t have them. I prayed about them. I asked others. I read the Bible more. I still didn’t have answers. I didn’t change a lot in some aspects, but I did a 180 in other areas.

What is evident more than ever right now is that I am supposed to be telling a story. I have been wrestling with God over the last year of my life with this massive feeling of rejection. And not far behind that feeling has been the enemy, nipping at my heels. I have questioned my entire life. I have questioned my salvation. I have questioned my marriage and if I’ve ruined it. I’ve questioned my ability as a mom. I’ve questioned my employment and if I was smart enough to do the job. I’ve questioned friendships. I’ve considered myself a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad Christian, a bad friend, a bad employee. I’ve tried beyond every fiber of my being to fight this feeling that God hates me and that my sins can’t be forgiven. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve looked up “Am I going to hell for using God’s name in vain?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked up “What is the unforgivable sin?”

Y’all, rejection is real and the enemy is all up in my business. It’s so hard to discuss. So I write about it. I share it. I’ll talk about it to whoever wants to listen, but for the most part, I just write. Writing is safer because you don’t know who’s watching. It’s like writing a diary and saying it only to yourself. Except here, I can post it and I know that I have friends praying. Sure, there are bad things trying to destroy me along the way, too, but I know those hold no power because I AM a child of God. Just like Job, the enemy has to get permission to touch every part of my life. I’ve claimed victory and the blood of Jesus over those – but it doesn’t stop the trials or the feeling of rejection. Sometimes, it just makes them harder.

So, why share all this?

Prayer, mostly. I’m in the middle of still writing. It happens at night when I’m tired and I don’t want to do anything else, but God keeps nudging me. He keeps laying that statement on my heart that we all have gifts. God blesses us with something – and how we use it is our gift to God.

I know the enemy knows I’m on the right track. He’s got his lasers focused in on me, my health, my husband, my kids, their schooling, and more. I’m not scared of those things though. I hate the feeling of rejection though. It’s a hard, hard place to be, especially when you feel like you’re flying solo. In that, I could use your prayers. Prayers that I finish this story for God. Not because He needs it, but because someone else out there needs to hear it. Not because God needs me to do anything for Him, but because He wants me to do it for someone else. Because my story is someone else’s story. Someone else out there is walking that path. Someone else is out there reading this and feeling the exact same way. Maybe they’ll follow the blog, maybe they’ll find my instagram or some other social media outlet. Maybe not. Maybe they’ll just e-mail – or maybe they’ll just read. Whatever it is, I need to finish. I need stamina to do that. Will you help me get there, friend?

And will you pray for the people who read this. For them to have courage. To know that no sin is unforgiven. Jesus loved murderers, adulterers, liars, thieves, people with foul mouths, criminals, and all. He broke bread with them. He brought some of them along as disciples. He used some to heal and some to continue to share His word. And then He loved us so much that He went to the cross to intercede and take our punishment.

Thank you, friends. I love you dearly!