I’ve been a planner for as long as I can remember. I’m fascinated by fancy pens, highlighters, sticky notes, and all things that help me “feel” organized, despite sometimes, feeling I’m surrounded by chaos.

When I had my car wreck, it threw my world into chaos for a bit, but I quickly recovered, was irritated by a bump in the road, and ever so often, I would be reminded of a pending MRI scan coming in that December. I didn’t let it worry me though because I was pretty convinced during that season that it wasn’t anything serious – even though a doctor dropped the word “tumor” in the ICU room after the accident. But, I would also have those moments (quietly to most for a trusted few) where I thought “What if it IS a tumor? What will I do? Am I dying?”

Those questions were answered December 26th in part. It was a tumor. In January, the doctor I saw confirmed she knew it was cancerous. I heard the words, but I also second guessed her. “How can you know without taking it out? God is bigger than you. You don’t know. God will heal me.”

I went into planning mode right then. I called friends and planned meals. I planned wills and power-of-attorney. I had lots of conversations with my kids about hard things and I was extremely transparent to those around me that I was nervous and fearful, albeit, thankful that God had chosen me and not my kids or my husband. I read a lot of websites. I planned for after-care. I thought about a “chain of command” on who to call and when and I “read my mom” into my plan since my husband was on auto-pilot.

My doctor was right. God didn’t take it away. His plan was different than my defiance. We didn’t even get all of the tumor out. I also learned that sometimes we hear things and make a lot of assumptions, but you have to learn to dig deep on questions to get the full picture. For example, how much of my tumor was left, if I could be operated on again, why or why not on chemo and radiation, my misunderstandings of medicine in general, and more. And sometimes, God doesn’t want us to know the answer. He wants us to depend on Him.

My first visit with oncology was promising. Just 5 days prior, a new medication that had been showing significant improvements for my specific tumor was pulled out of clinical trials because it was so effective. They were granted passage into Phase 4 of the FDA “stuff” and my doctor wanted me on this med. We talked about it, thought about the timing and a lot more, and really felt like a prayer was being answered. Fast forward a few weeks and I get a letter from my oncology team that says they want to put me on a different drug (that would also inhibit growth), but I would need to go through the approval process since I would most likely be declined. (Because I was not in the original trials.)

I got denied twice. Hard denials from insurance. Due to “experimental medicine.” My doctor said that was to be expected. Even after her appeal, I got another denial. So the 3rd time, we filled out patient assistance knowing I would have to pay retail cost. ($31K/month) That got denied for some errors in paperwork – and it was at that point, I really just stopped and prayed.

You see, God has a plan – and somewhere in that process, I forgot that. So, I turned back and just laid it all at the foot of the cross and told God, “I really can’t do this. I’m going to mess it up – and I don’t know what you want. I don’t know if this is the path or if the enemy is trying to confuse me, so will you open the door if it’s right or slam it shut if its not?”

Then, my 4th denial came last week.

And at the very moment the words were spoken, I felt peace and I remembered asking God for clarity and I knew that this wasn’t His plan for me. And that my plan wasn’t aligned with His.

And that’s okay.

Here’s the thing. I know I have cancer. I know I look normal, I seem normal when I talk. Some folks know I have some headache issues. If you went to the football game with me Friday, you know I pushed myself too far (heat = bad for me in general, but it sure didn’t do me any favors with my skull).

I’ve had folks ask me how I feel. So, here’s how:

Physically, I feel okay most days. I have days where I’m exhausted and I have to lay down, but my sweet doctor has reminded me several times that my vitamins are off and I just had brain surgery 6 months ago. GIVE. IT. TIME. (Not my best virtue, patience.) Emotionally/Mentally, I’m okay 99% of the time. Some days, I really worry about my kids and my husband. For the most part, I try to stuff those feelings. But when my husband does something sweet or makes me a mailbox (true story, I’ll post pics later!), or fixes my car, or my daughter scores in volleyball or wears her grey ribbon on her jersey, or when my son plays music in concerts or I hear him practicing, I get emotional. I question God why I can’t live a lot longer. Maybe I will. Who knows. Lots of folks live with this, but I want to die of old age, not of brain cancer. (Or the rapture is a nice option, too.).

Spiritually, I’m SET. Whatever comes of all of this, I’m gonna meet Jesus one day. The other day in church, Matt (our worship leader) had a song in his set that just brought me to tears. (Thank you Jesus for the Blood). I just couldn’t stop the tears. Because the reality is, I am WHOLLY loved by a God who I do not deserve. I am made WHOLE by the Son of Man who was beaten and crucified for me. My sin, which would come centuries after His sacrifice held him to that cross. The image of His pain for me is NOT lost. Because of His Blood, God sees me as FORGIVEN.

I’ve been a Christian since I was a little girl. But, I guess when you are facing death, that Cross gives you a whole new perspective

Not every day is perfect. And the days where I get the phone call that medicine won’t save me are hard days. Because I am human and there are days that I want that to happen. Because for some reason, I believe that I would feel better if I had more days on this horrible, sinful, scorched Earth. And then, I realize that God shows me that I have made my own children or my bills or my farm idols above Him some days. That I place more value in shuttling them to games or practices, paying bills or worrying about money, or how long we’ll able to afford private school with these costs looming than spending that time with Him and being grateful.

Proverbs 19:21 says: “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails,” and man does that resonate with me today. He echoes it again with Proverbs 16:9 in, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” I’ve made a LOT of plans. And I often forget that God has a task on this Earth for me and it’s time I fulfill that. I’ve been so focused on trying to get my own things done and control the narrative with this diagnosis that I haven’t let myself hear God tell me “Kristin. Stop.”

It shouldn’t have taken cancer to reconcile God’s plan for my life with me. But, God knows I’m a mule and I don’t listen until I’m staring down the barrel of a loaded shotgun. I am thankful for His plan. I am thankful for His forgiveness. I am thankful that He shut the door in this medicine and that if there something else in the works that He knows I’m listening and willing to accept His plan.

Blessed to be loved by The Almighty, The Conquerer, The Alpha and the Omega. Blessed to be made in His Image and that He loves me enough to never abandon me at my weakest. Praise Him for every victory. We may not win the battle, but we will win the war. And my friend, nothing on this earth takes place without His permission. To know He’s in the mix even of this, blesses me tremendously.